IF I WERE PRESIDENT: THE COUSIN KENNY CHRONICLES (VOL. 6)

If I were president...I would build a really big bonfire in Gary, Indiana...The biggest the world has ever seen...All Americans would be invited to come and witness the awesome spectacle...Correction, all Americans would be compelled to come...I would make it one big party to celebrate America...There would be all kinds of neat things to do at my party...and good food to eat...potato salad for all...and lots of porta-potties...no waiting...live musical acts abound...puppet shows for the children...bingo for the elderly...We would talk...laugh, cry...all that stuff...then...at precisely midnight, on the third day, I would abruptly and emphatically call an end to the festivities and ask everyone to leave...I would then, at 6:00 a.m. that morning, issue an executive order to forcibly deport any person within the continental United States outside of a 10 mile radius from Gary, Indiana...that would leave, in my estimation, only the fine Americans who had stayed after the party to help clean up...and perhaps a few people who couldn't remember where they parked their car...all the others?...deported to a country where it's not common courtesy to help someone clean up after a party...It is with the people who stayed after to help pick up--the hearty stock of after-hangers--that I would rebuild America...That's what I would do if I were President.

Cousin Kenny

OBAMA LECTURES ON PARENTAL RESPONSIBILITY - IS THIS GUY KIDDING ME?

The audacity of this guy. To lecture anyone on raising kids when his children have spent their entire lives worshipping at a church whose pastor teaches a religion that holds that God hates white people. "That's some home training". Oh. Obama. I loves it when you keeps it real.

The standard Barack Obama venue lately has been high schools. Truman High School, Theodore Roosevelt High School, Jefferson High School.

The Democratic presidential candidate has been pitching an audience-pleasing message of economic populism to crowds of a few thousand packed into each gymnasium. But he gets some of his loudest applause when he segues to education - and a bit of a lecture to mothers and fathers on how to be parents.

Sure, there is the usual critique of current government policies. But the cheering peaks with a dose of tough talk.

"Parents if you don't parent, we can't improve our schools," he said. "You've got to parent. You've got to turn off the television set in your house once in a while, you've got to put the video game away once in a while."

"You should have a curfew in your house so your children aren't out in the streets all night. You should meet with the teacher and find out what the homework is and help that child with the homework. And if you don't know how to do the homework, don't be embarrassed, find someone to help you."

"Fathers, be fathers," he added. "Be a part of your child's life. Be a part of your child's life and try to make them proud.

"And the last thing is, if your child is misbehaving at school don't curse out the teacher. You know who you are. It's not the teacher's fault that your child is misbehaving. That's some home training."

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Of course, the crowd applauded wildly. Those parents in the crowd would have been doing the responsible thing all along. It's just that no one told them they needed to be responsible parents. So, you know, they weren't. Well Obama has told them like it "T.I. is". So, those parents are good now. Problem solved. Thank you Obama.