Foreign Bodies

It's Friday and I am doing all that I can to ignore the ever burgeoning work that keeps appearing on my desk as well as totally dreading an eventual meeting this afternoon with federal inspectors on a government construction project.

So my mind is awash with anything but work today.  It's payday too, so that never helps when you have a pocket full of folding money and nothing to spend it on.  With all of that said, I was browsing around the infinite conundrum which is the Internet, looking for some comedic gem or undiscovered unusual finding, but I think the only thing out there are naked and half naked women.  And a few goats.

Naturally, my unusual mind carried me far away and an interesting thought struck my fancy.  Since our foreign policy is in a shambles with places like Egypt, Tunisia, Yemen, and Lebanon burning in political revolution and our current bumbling leaders contradicting one another regularly, I have a vast new idea that will surely end the violence and re-establish the United States as the leading power broker on the planet.  And the answer is:  scorching hot women.

Indeed.  The fact of the matter is, most dictators and puppet regimes around the world are dominated by men.  So what better way than to get what we want and what they need than by appointing the hottest women of the planet to negotiate our foreign policy.  They don't have to be experts in negotiation or have advanced degrees in Political Science, hell, I've known beautiful women who could have asked to eat my spleen right out of my body with a spork and I woulda run right down to KFC to find a spork, no questions asked.

My dad told me a long time ago when I was having girlfriend troubles, he said, "Son, if women were smarter, they could have everything they wanted, because they have all of the pu**y, half of the money, and some of the power. If they could get themselves together and organize, they could have all of the pu**y, all of the money, and all of the power.  All they'd have to do is cut us off."  Now, not that I subscribe to this rather misogynistic view, but there is a modicum of truth within those words from so long ago.

Men are stupid creatures when it comes to women.  They say, we do, and in the end, we men generally lose any up front battle with our female counterparts.  So with that being said, I offer up Adriana Lima as Secretary of State and really, Ambassador to the World, and I personally guarantee that our foreign policy woes will be solved in a matter of months.

When trouble breaks out, say in Egypt for instance, we can send Secretary Lima to Cairo dressed in a revealing low-cut blouse and skinny jeans, surround her with a contingent of battle-ready Ghurkas as her protective force so no one messes up her hair and she can simply hand Hosni Mubarak a 5-point plan of things he must do:

• 1.  Stop being an idiot.
• 2.  You will do as we say.
• 3.  Be nice to people.
• 4.  Give us our money back with interest.
• 5.  If you don't, you'll never see me again.
• P.S.  Buy me a diamond.

And just like Colt 45, it'll work everytime.  What?  You don't believe me?  Well, no one can disprove it yet and for one thing, it'll make those staid photo opportunities when she meets with a head of state a helluva lot more interesting to watch on television.

And besides. . .anything, and I mean anything would be an improvement over our current Secretary of Pant Suits.

Are there any other women we should nominate for this position?  I'm open to discussion.

I see that you still don't believe that my simple plan will work.  In that case, I offer up Exhibit 1-A to the court:

Case closed.  I win.