We Were that Close to Being Burned Alive

It's a damn good thing our grandparents weren't candy asses.  They celebrated "Christmas".  And if you messed with them, they kicked your ass.  And that's why this never happened.  From a 1945 Life Magazine article:

In Germany last month, U.S. Army technical experts came up with the astonishing fact that German scientists had seriously planned to build a "sun gun," a big mirror in space which would focus the sun's rays to a scorching point at the earth's surface. The Germans, the Army reported, hoped to use such a mirror to burn an enemy city to ashes or to boil part of an ocean.

That reminds me of an odd story Cousin Kenny once told.  Said Kenny...

"I didn't have an ant farm as a child....But my next door neighbor did...I remember when he got it and set it up...He placed it under one of those flexible-neck study lamps that were so popular in the 70s...He didn't place it under the lamp so he could study their habitat or behavior....Best I can tell, he put it there so he could burn ants with a magnifying glass even when it was raining outside."

Hello Everyone!

Well...I'm back!

After my last attempt to restart this place on September 23, 2011, I had a bit of a breakdown. My doctors advised me to take a trip and get my mind off things for a while. Particularly politics. So I threw a dart on a map of the world and made up my mind to go there. What happened over the course of the next two months changed my life forever.

I arrived in Mozambique with nothing more than a duffel bag and a pack of smokes but within three days I pretty much found myself to be ruling the country. The doctor said to find something that would give my life meaning. So I decided to teach the locals how to play wiffle ball. The plan was to build a team from scratch and teach them well enough to land a spot on the prestigious World Wiffle Ball Championship Tourney. I almost succeeded.




The Mozambique Mud Eaters (starters)


from L-R, Zilda, Pappy Ringo, Lil' Meep, Whistlin' Beekwi, Hirita "Hayworth" Zoogmar, Crazy Carl Agbayani

My team was hard working, driven, patient and above all else, to my astonishment, murderous. They drilled, they studied plays, they were on time and they could throw and hit like their lives depended on it! And it did, as the beatings were frequent and unrelenting. But a team was formed and my mind was free. I no longer fretted about the unmitigated disaster the Obama administration brought upon my country back home.

It was all going well and flights were being planned to the championship when Lil Meep was found dead one humid Mozambique morning. They blamed it on me but I think it was obvious Whistlin' Beekwi wanted that short stop position from day one. From DAY ONE!! Anyway, the team broke up. I was given clearance to return home by my doctors.

All was not lost as most of the wiffle ball bats were cut up and used as fashionable jungle accessories for their hideous facial piercings... Plus I learned a great deal about team-work, organization and beating people with a stick so hard my shoulders would hurt for days.

Oh, And love. I learned to love.




Outfield alternate Big Moog with Wiffle Ball bat handle sticking out of his face. Pictured with Assistant coach Mike Stanton of the NY Yankees

Oh wells... Mozambique's loss is the Big Feed's gain. Let's rock.

Yours,

Ali

Food Stamps for Crab Legs

In Obama's world...

Found at Doug Ross

Found in a Hawaiian Gift Shop

Saw this at IOTW.  I had to share.

Street Tough Skateboarders Attack Occupiers

It's a sad sign of the times when I'm rooting for drug-dealing skateboarders...  An "Occupy Portland update:

Talk among some at Director Park was that drug dealers wielding skateboards surged in, ate some food, and spat in some occupiers' faces while demanding they leave. Some reports said they were gang members, but that's not confirmed. Either way, the campers packed up and boogied out, hoping to avoid more violence, which had some like Dog Mike, an organizer of the reoccupation, complaining that it looked like the movement was more willing to "kowtow" to drug dealers and not the city.

What's next?  Occupiers get their ass whooped by raging X-boxers?

He Survived on Beersicles

Lost.  Death is looming.  But slightly buzzed.  It could have been worse.

An Alaskan man stuck in his snowbound pick-up truck for nearly three days survived on beersicles.

Clifton Vial was unable to dig himself out after the truck plunged into a snowbank, and soon ran out of food and water.

He did have some cans of beer. So, he cut the lids off and used a spoon to scoop out the frozen Coors Lite.

Wait!  Coors Lite?  I think I'd rather die.

Damn Sanchez! You Got Punked!

A small reminder that every once in a while, justice does prevail...

A mugger ended up getting a lot more than he bargained for when he picked the wrong victim to rob at gunpoint.

Bruised and bloodied Anthony Miranda was arrested after attempting to steal money from a six foot two, 250-pounds mixed martial arts expert - who ended up wrenching the loaded gun from his hand after Miranda pointed it at his chest on Friday night in Chicago.

Miranda - a 24-year-old convicted felon - was charged with armed robbery and aggravated discharge of a firearm in the alleged attack, which happened around 11.30pm.

Police say he also shot his own ankle in the attack.

Speaking to the Chicago Sun Times, Justin - who did not want to be identified - said he was waiting in his parked car for a friend to arrive when Miranda approached and shoved a gun to the side of his head.

He said: 'He asked me for my wallet, for my phone and my keys. I told him I don’t have a wallet, I only have cash. He cursed me — like 'm***** f*****' and said he would blow my brains out.'

When he was ordered out of the car, Justin made a maneuver he learned in training which took his attacker by surprise and disarmed him.

Read the rest