IF I WERE PRESIDENT: THE COUSIN KENNY CHRONICLES (VOL. 6)

If I were president...I would build a really big bonfire in Gary, Indiana...The biggest the world has ever seen...All Americans would be invited to come and witness the awesome spectacle...Correction, all Americans would be compelled to come...I would make it one big party to celebrate America...There would be all kinds of neat things to do at my party...and good food to eat...potato salad for all...and lots of porta-potties...no waiting...live musical acts abound...puppet shows for the children...bingo for the elderly...We would talk...laugh, cry...all that stuff...then...at precisely midnight, on the third day, I would abruptly and emphatically call an end to the festivities and ask everyone to leave...I would then, at 6:00 a.m. that morning, issue an executive order to forcibly deport any person within the continental United States outside of a 10 mile radius from Gary, Indiana...that would leave, in my estimation, only the fine Americans who had stayed after the party to help clean up...and perhaps a few people who couldn't remember where they parked their car...all the others?...deported to a country where it's not common courtesy to help someone clean up after a party...It is with the people who stayed after to help pick up--the hearty stock of after-hangers--that I would rebuild America...That's what I would do if I were President.

Cousin Kenny